I'm an Expert

I'd like to be an expert at something. You know, go on a talk show and chat about my new book, give demonstrations on the Today Show, get called up when there's an oil spill in the Gulf...

I am however an expert on VERY little. In an effort to try to make myself feel better about my ineptitude, I am going to list some things that I do know about:

1. Yo-yo dieting. This time around it's been 1 1/2 years that I've kept almost all of the weight off. But I have a Weight Watcher's key, Nutrisystem receipts, and stretch marks every where to prove that I can really put it back on when I set my mind to it. UGH!

2. Getting wrinkles. I didn't get the memo when I was a teen and baked myself in the sun using baby oil and iodine as tanning lotion--a little like a pot roast. Now I have the shriveled skin with miles of lines to prove it. I do NOT know how to minimize these wrinkles without serious surgery or medical injections. I've tried many serums and creams. Do you have a good one that worked?

3. Migraines. I get a couple a week. Have done since I was 16. Imitrex (now in the less expensive generic version) works if I take it soon enough. People that don't have them, don't appreciate the pain. (Though I realize many different ailments possess their own special brand of excruciation.) Being sick to your stomach, having light sensitivity, piercing pain in one or both eyes, aversion to smells like perfume, not being able to eat certain foods--not fun.

4. Though I was an English teacher for 33 years I do not consider myself to be an expert in all phases of English. I do OK with American literature, some kinds of writing, vocabulary, general rules of grammar and usage. I am, however, atrocious at spelling and cannot quote lines from Shakespeare or any other author. I love to read books, but I'm  more into mysteries and anything good than whether the book is a classic of any kind.

5. Cankles. Before the term "cankle" was in vogue, I called my lack of ankles "Mormon ankles." I knew I didn't have ankles, that my legs sort of went straight down the same size from knee to foot. I saw that many of the older, heavier ladies at my church had those piano leg, fat, ploddingly same ankles as I. Therefore, I called them Mormon ankles. (I was adopted and am sure my biological parents weren't LDS so I have no idea how I rationalized that. Too scientific for me.) Anyway, I guess "cankles" is a more politically correct term for the bane of my existence.

6. Cleanliness. I consider myself a pathological cleaner. I'm not exactly Don Asslett but I can wield a mean brush and scrunge, I relish the smell of Clorox or bleach of any kind and can drive myself mad about germs and sanitizing if I'm not careful. My husband calls me "the sanitizer."

7. Dishing it out but not being able to take it. I'm sarcastic to a flaw. I can self-deprecate with the best of 'em. I also tend to be snarky about others. I try not to be cruel and do not mean to hurt feelings, but according to my daughter, "Your sarcasm gets old, Mom!" She claims that I can give out the chiding much better than I take it. Well...maybe...but I think mine is given with humor and wit and some others (like hers) is just mean. So there!

8. Worrying. You name it, I can worry about it. I have a pained, puzzled expression most of the time. If I walk into a store the clerks always look at me as if they think I'm about to burst into tears. They say with a concerned look, "Are you struggling?" "Can I help you find anything? You look lost."  When I hear sirens I always assume someone I love is involved in a fatal accident. I sigh a lot. I sometimes feel as if there's something I should be worried about and have just forgotten. I know...weird.

9. Grilling. I wouldn't say I'm an expert at barbecue because I don't use fancy sauces and rubs, but I can grill a mean chicken breast, hamburger, ribs, steaks, and kabobs. I have some uncanny ability that I learned accidentally from trial and error. My husband likes most red meat extremely rare and I have to be able to cook his one way and everyone else's more well done. I'm quite talented in this area. Thank you.

10. Wasting time and never being bored. Yep, I can sit here and never do anything for hours and be just as happy as if I'd really exerted myself. It's a gift. I never really feel as if I'm useless even though I am.

Just thought I'd run through a few of the absolutely unenvied traits I possess. I appreciate your visit and if you have anything cruel to say to me, just don't. I can't take it!